Escaping Flatland

Blogging, like Death, is a great leveler. You don't have to be a member of the MSM [definition] to share your views with the masses anymore. Any armchair philosopher, stubble-faced student or ambidextrous dog can blog. Surprisingly, many jouralists also moonlight as bloggers, expressing their creativity on non-editor sanctioned stories.

Jai Arjun Singh, a journo for Outlook India, went shopping for Porn in Palika Bazar, Delhi. Palika Bazar is an "airconditioned", underground market teeming with shops carrying imported, grey-market, pirated goods or cheap local imitations (for those who can't tell the difference). During my college days, this was my source for the latest non-Bollywood Music CDs. He shares his experiences on his blog.

I descend into the labyrinthine underworld that is Palika Bazaar wearing my shabbiest sweatshirt and jeans, face covered by a three-day stubble. "Look the part" was the counsel from experienced friends when they learnt I was going porn-hunting in the interests of journalism. "Seedies?" he enquires politely, this being how both VCDs and DVDs are referred to here. "Double aur triple hai?" I retort (the "X" is unnecessary in this setting) in what is intended to be a smooth, throwaway tone.

This starts to feel awkward, like buying condoms from the friendly neighborhood chemist you've known since you were a childPosturing and clothing are a big part of dealing with the shopkeepers in Delhi. Printed price tags are a rarity - you are quoted a price for goods (whether an embroidered handkerchief or an Aiwa hi-fi double-deck cassette player) based upon your appearance. Many goods (the appropriately named 'seedies' included) are not even on display - you have to ask for them explicitly. They will be shown to you only if you look 'right'.

The owner is unsuitably avuncular, he wears thick glasses, has a warm, open smile and this starts to feel awkward, like buying condoms from the friendly neighborhood chemist you've known since you were a child. But then he opens his mouth to speak. "You want combination, single, Asian, schoolgirl, kitty aunties, frontside, backside, oral, multiple? All varieties available. Full one-and-a-half hour. Rs 150 only." (Kitty aunties?)

And therein lies the reason I had to rely on cousins for my porn quota - I could never muster up the courage to ask the friendly neighborhood video library guy for a double or triple (or, as Delhites say: a 'number'). And yeah - Kitty Aunties?

And the more you frequent a shop, the more latitude you get, starting with a DVD-case for each disc you purchase.

This is because porn is illegal in India, and the guy doesn't want to be raided by quota-hungry policemen. If you're a genuine customer, a repeat buyer at that, you will receive the true Indian customer service - cushion on your seat, 'thanda' (cold drink), a wide variety of CDs, time to choose in leisure, cool air (in the sweltering Delhi heat) etc. and a level of personalization that will put Amazon's collaborative filtering mass customization to shame: "you will like this one, sir, fresh maal. Item number" sounds is so much more personal than "Customers who brought the seedie in your basket also brought ..."

The comments on his blog are also interesting - a IIT guy boasting of their superior 'blue film' collection and a Mumbaikar praising their mobile-phone ordered pr0n home delivery service (sure beats a lunch dabba, wot?).